‘The Real Housewives of Miami’ Season 5, Episode 12 Recap

Photo: Vulture; Photo: Bravo

There are two things in this episode that I will not be able to talk about at all. The first is the continuation of Julia’s adoption journey. She reports to Adriana that getting a kid is longer and harder than she thought. They can’t get one from her native Russia because they won’t give children to same-sex couples. Oh, Julia, just abandon this. At least with a “should we have another kid” fake storyline like Melissa Gorga’s, you know there won’t be any real consequences because the kid is never going to show up. I believe that Julia will get herself another baby to cure her empty nest syndrome, and she’ll be coddling that baby with her one bandaged hand. I have never seen a Housewife make such a slow-motion.

The other thing I can’t talk about is the sad-ass, empty club that Larsa, Lisa, and Kiki go to to get laid. First of all, the place is called E11EVEN, which is so dumb that even Matt Gaetz thinks it should be changed. There aren’t even two Ls in “eleven.” Why are there two ones where one L should be? Secondly, there is one other couple in the club, and they’re sitting across the room like they are being held ransom. And it can’t be that loud in there or playing any music because we could clearly hear the women’s conversations, and we know that Bravo isn’t shelling out to include a Post Malone track in this shizz.

When were they even there? Like 7:30 p.m. on a Tuesday? How did they think they would get laid at the club midweek? And then Lisa spends 31 minutes talking about Lenny? Yeah, I get it, she’s going through a significant traumatic event, but shouldn’t she try to get her mind off it? I guess she could have if there were any actual dudes to talk to at this place. (Don’t get it confused with bros at the club, because in Miami “bro” is just what Alexia and Marysol call each other all the time.)

There is one thing that I never want to stop talking about: Larsa’s before and after. When they show flashbacks of her from season one with her original face, it’s shocking to me. Sure, we’ve seen Kyle Richards cycle through more noses than M. Night Shyamalan has plot twists, but this is something else. She is unrecognizable from the clip of her and Scottie together in the episode and the face in her present confessional — she could be a whole different person.

With all of that out of the way, all we have left to talk about is Alexia. I love her son Frankie and him making fun of the women fighting at the top of the stairs. I also love that someone is finally telling Alexia that the way she smothers and infantilizes him is wrong. When she takes him to the de Moya Foundation, a charity that finds jobs for adults with special needs like Frankie’s, they talk about him getting transportation for employment. They ask if he can take an Uber or a Lyft. Alexia says she will drive him. They’re like, “No, lady. This is exactly what we don’t want you to do.” She tells Frankie that she’ll always be there for him. They’re like, “No, lady. One day you will die, and Frankie will be on his own. Don’t lie to him.” This is just what she needs to hear.

Alexia explains that ever since the car accident where he was injured, she’s just wanted to protect him all the time. I get it. It makes total sense, but I’m glad there is now an outside party who will help corral her love and protection into something more productive and beneficial for her son.

However, when it comes to everything else, Alexia is wrong, and no one is telling her. At the start of the episode, she and Marysol go to the “fat doctor” and get shots that are supposed to make them skinny. Alexia tells Marysol that Nicole’s Amex Black Card stunt was disrespectful.

Alright, let’s get one thing straight: no one at that lunch was respectful of the lawyer’s time. Alexia was disrespectful when she wouldn’t let Adriana show him her boyfriend’s divorce papers, and that was on topic! Alexia was also disrespectful when she screamed that he shouldn’t answer Nicole’s question. Nicole getting her Black Card (while iconic) was probably the most over-the-top thing to happen, but she was just one of the many badly behaved women in that room. Alexia says that Nicole was using her credit card like she was in a strip club. Now, I haven’t been to a straight people strip club in a very long time, but do you really use your credit card at the strip club? I thought that was a cash-only situation because that is best for all parties involved. You don’t want a stripper running up crazy bills on your Capital One card (hello, we’ve all seen Hustlers), and you don’t want to spend a bunch of time with a dude whose shit is going to be denied cause he’s maxed out.

Anyway, I understand why Nicole had no idea that what she did was over the line. (Honestly, on a show like Housewives, it wasn’t even that over the line.) That Alexia thinks Nicole should know what she did and call and apologize is insane. As Nicole says herself, Alexia needs to tell her that she was offended before she can even apologize.

Of course, this comes up at Gringo Dinner, which Alexia and Nicole are throwing so that the two of them, plus Marysol and Guerdy, can bring their white husbands to the same dinner. (Dr. Nicole’s Anthony is half Cuban, but since he can’t say “dump truck” in Spanish, that half doesn’t count.) Alexia explains that the word “gringo,” which is a Mexican word for white people, came from the Spanish-American war where the American GIs wore green uniforms so the Mexicans would say “Green go home,” and that became “gringo.” However, even the most cursory of Google searches show that it most likely came from the Spanish word for a Greek person, “griego.” When Spanish people hear people speaking a foreign language, they say, essentially, that it all sounds like Greek to them. That’s how “griego” eventually transformed into gringo, or someone who speaks a foreign language.

Jesus, do we have to add an Etymology, Syntax, Grammer, and Usage wing to the Real Housewives Institute? I’d rather talk about the fight when Alexia wants to know why Nicole hasn’t apologized yet. Nicole genuinely seems taken aback and didn’t know that she ruffled as many feathers as she did. (Please do not let a feather ruffler near Meredith Marks at a reunion.) Nicole doesn’t think it was that bad, but Alexia drills in on her, saying that Nicole hasn’t owned one thing since she’s known her. Um, Alexia made up a fake rumor about Adriana’s man, insisted it was true, found “proof” that she was right, and then wouldn’t apologize or take it back when she was proven wrong. And she wants Nicole to own something? That sounds like Greek to me.

As the fight continues, Anthony says they’ll send flowers and chocolates to the lawyer, and Todd, Alexia’s man, rightfully calls him out on being condescending. Todd counters this by saying his lawyer friend asked who Anthony was and said his firm only has three real lawyers. Okay, so Todd is going to talk about them being disrespectful while making fun of the man and his business? Come on. Stop talking crazy. Alexia wouldn’t know respect if Aretha Franklin spelled it out for her.

Later Alexia and Nicole go to lunch to air out their differences and to compete on whose dress has more cutouts than the other. Nicole says she didn’t see what she did as disrespectful, and Alexia says multiple times, “Why didn’t you see it that way? Is that like a part of who you are?” which is just as condescending as anything Anthony said at Gringo Dinner.

Nicole tries to explain why she was so upset at Alexia’s party, which had to do with the rumor Larsa started that she fucked every doctor at the hospital. Nicole says her work is a no-go zone because she’s worked so hard in her profession and has come up against many obstacles because she’s a Latina and pretty. Okay, I get the first one and the second one, but don’t be out on these streets talking about how pretty you are, Nicole.

Alexia then says that Nicole is still pretending she’s right. No, she’s not. She is answering your question about why she saw it that way. Nicole continues to try to answer, and Alexia says, “You keep saying, ‘Sorry, but…’” I know what she means because Housewives do it all the time. “I’m sorry you felt that way, but you’re wrong.” I think Nicole is trying to do a “Sorry, and…” She’s saying she’s sorry, and this is why she reacted the way she did. In the last episode, Nicole said intentions matter, and I think her intentions on why she behaved as she did are relevant to the conversation. Alexia just thinks it makes her a narcissist, and if that isn’t the cat-eye sunglasses calling you pointy, then I don’t know what is.

They end the episode cheering about the trip to the Bahamas they’re about to go on, and they think, for a second, that they will have fun. We have watched too many Real Housewives to know that will not happen. We all know what is coming next. “Roll the tape of the wanton destruction, drunken fighting, and complete chaos that will erupt when the women leave the country.” That’s what we love about Housewives; it always delivers, even when it is a mystery woman in a mask and sunglasses being wheeled out of the hospital. Oh, I am definitely going to want to talk about that.

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