‘Real Housewives of Miami’ Recap, Season 4, Episode Three

This week on our favorite show, Alexia Echevarria Doing Things, Alexia Echevarria does things. She wears high heels to an art opening from a tennis great and only one of her boobs is partially hanging out of her top. She receives an award from an LGweeVTeeb + organization, as Larsa calls it, for Pride month because she suffers from a very rare condition called Liza Minnelli Syndrome, where both her father and her ex-husband are gay. She also sits around at dinner talking about how Cubans put pearls into their dicks to make sex feel better with women. Oh yes, she does it all, and, as noted last week, she continues to carry the show.

Before we get to Alexia, we must make a detour into the penis pearls because it pops up and then sort of fades from view, like a boner that no one does anything about. Apparently, it is common in Cuba for men to put small round plastic balls in the underside of their dicks using home surgery. The idea is that the pearl will make P in V intercourse better for the women, which is a really nice gesture except that, well, it doesn’t really improve sex that much for women. Instead of inserting something into your dick under unsanitary circumstances, how about just maybe, I don’t know, going down on a lady a little bit more?

Also, at the dinner, Alexia tells us that her father was gay and in the closet and that she never knew until after he died. We all know that women marry their fathers, but this is just crazy. The closet case is strong with this one. Marysol says that she has awful gaydar, which she tells us while taking a sip from a bejeweled goblet as if she’s not trying to attract gay dudes at every waking moment. But if her gaydar is bad, what do you say about Alexia’s?

She handles both her father and her ex-husband Herman coming out of the closet really well, though, and instead of feeling bad for herself feels empathy for them, that they couldn’t live the life they wanted and had to take their secrets to the grave. She still wants to meet with Leo, Herman’s (probably compensated) lover, and ask him all the questions she couldn’t ask Herman before he died. We see her talking about this with Marysol and Kiki at her house, and we see her talking about it with her best gay Jonny before Leo shows up at a restaurant to talk with her.

What is weird about these conversations, though, is that she is really hitting the talking points hard. She wants to ask him questions. She wants closure. He is the only one who can give her answers. It reminds me less of a Housewives episode and more of lesser player in the Reality TV arts and sciences, like a 90 Day Fiancé or a Chrisley Knows Best, where they think the audience is so stupid it keeps having to remind them what is happening and the stakes at play in any scene. It really shows how little this show has going on, that we need Alexia, who is the only reason to tune in, to keep reminding us why we have tuned in at all. It’s for her! This woman with an awful son, a dead gay father, a dead gay husband, and a wedding to plan! It’s not for Guerdy, who hasn’t done anything other than making some scoops and baking Toll House cookies.

I guess some other things happen. Larsa meets with her realtor, Shawn, who tells her that her furniture is ugly and needs to update it to sell her house. They initially have it on the market for $12 million, and then her ex-husband tells her he wants to sell it for $14 million. That is the problem with rich people. They think if they were successful in one arena, they know everything about all arenas. Dude, why should the house be $14 million? Because you want it to be? If the expert says $12 million, just believe the expert. You’re going to list it for $14 million and end up selling it for $12 million because that is what the market will dictate. You can’t just add two million in value onto your house with wishful thinking, or else someone would be paying $2,001,000 for the hovel that I live in.

Lisa and Dr. Nicole have a play date together, and they’re like, “Isn’t it so great that our kids are so well behaved they can play together, and we can go have some mommy time?” They fail to mention that they each brought a nanny, so while they have mommy time, someone else earns their living tending to these children. Dr. Nicole tells us her dad went away for seven years for money laundering, and Lisa’s son Greyson looks over at them with the sort of sneer that could only say, “I am peeing in this hotel pool at this very second.”

Alexia gets an award at Wynwood Pride, which sounds like a party a hotel chain put on. She says she feels like her father and Herman are celebrating with her in heaven. Are they celebrating? Are they shirtless? Are there poppers? Is there lube? Cause, honey, that’s not celebrating. Do you mean that they’re … could they be … are your dead gay father and dead gay husband in heaven … No. They can’t be.

Kiki is there, and she has rainbow encrusted lips and looks like she’s been giving a blow job to a glitter cannon or inhaled about three million packs of Fun Dip. I don’t even want to mention this because I hate Kiki and her dumb fashion choices and her purse that hangs on her arm with a brass bracket. I sort of want to ignore her out of existence, like ghosting her from my mind. Julia and Adriana — who wears her second beret of the season, thereby exceeding her beret quota by two — are celebrating together, and everyone thinks that they’re doing it, but it’s all just lame and made up, and Julia is better than this.

The last big event of the episode is Martina Navratilova’s art show, and, ugh, I can’t believe this show put me in a position where I need to make fun of gay icon, feminist pioneer, and all-around legend Martina Navratilova. I am in this position because her art is bad. But not just bad, like laughably bad. Like a scene in Curb Your Enthusiasm bad. It would be one thing if it were just shitting paintings, but it is her hitting tennis balls of paint on a canvas and putting clay on an old tennis racquet and calling it art. I have seen better things come out of Rosie O’Donnell’s craft room, and she just gives that shit out for free on Etsy (probably, I have not researched this because I spent all of this week’s research time on Cuban dick augmentation) and does not charge $15,000 for it.

Adriana, who organized the event, has not one date but two. One is named Jacob and is a very sexy young Lenny Kravitz wannabe in a suit he bought from Prince’s estate auction. The other is Thierry, a guy who has the face of a rich man, which is both a read and a compliment. Julia is mad because she thinks that Adriana should be busy selling her wife’s art and not looking after these two different dudes. She is not wrong, but the show wants us to think that she’s just jealous that Adriana might get it on with a dude and not her. We don’t care. We don’t. What I do care about is Anthony, Dr. Nicole’s husband, buying one of Martina’s art pieces. Buying that art is like putting a piece of Cuban plastic in your dick, something that you will regret and think about every day for the rest of your life.