‘The Real Housewives of Miami’ Recap, Season 6, Episode 5
It’s just too easy. Larsa Pippen, a salamander who was hexed by a witch named Restylane, is making it so easy to hate her, and I really wish she would complicate matters a little bit. A villain is delicious, but you want to see that she’s doing something for complicated reasons and that maybe she’s a little bit sorry but also a little bit not. Larsa is out here talking about Guerdy’s cancer like it’s a Ponzi scheme and isn’t even upset about it one bit.
When Larsa is doing her first podcast recording with her boyfriend, Marcus Jordan, she says they should call themselves Larcus, but I think she’s wrong. I think they should be called MRSA because she is clearly an infection that would eat your flesh if given the chance. They say they’re doing the podcast to clear up all the misconceptions about them. Okay, so they talk about their relationship plenty in this episode? What is episode two? Is there anything left to say? I’m sorry, but this podcast was voted Least Likely to be Downloaded three years running by People with Ears magazine.
The women are together at an F1 racing event when Lisa tells Larsa that Guerdy knows that she leaked the info about her diagnosis to everyone in the group and, by extensions, all of their glam squads, trainers, publicists, nannies, producers, and various and sundried other functionaries with whom they gossip every single day. Lisa was at an earlier F1 event (wouldn’t that make this event F2?) and told Guerdy that she knows that Guerdy is having a medical problem. Though Lisa refuses to say how she found out, Guerdy is immediately like, “Larsa told you, that bitch.” That’s the thing about telling a tight group, most of whom she trusts. She knows it wasn’t Dr. Nicole, Julia, or Adriana who spilled the radioactive chemo beans, it had to be Larsa. “I tested her because I knew she would sing like a canary,” Guerdy tells Lisa.
Lisa repeats that line to Larsa, who says, “Who would test cancer?” Yeah, and who would go around telling everyone that Guerdy has it? She didn’t say to Lisa and the gang, “Call your friend; she needs you.” She didn’t even hint or allege something was going on; she just flat-out told everyone. When Lisa tells Larsa about the test. Larsa then says that Guerdy is not supposed to get mad or upset now that she has cancer. First of all, what is Larsa? The cancer police? And secondly, she’d have nothing to get mad about if Larsa didn’t open her Botoxed face hole.
Then Larsa says that Guerdy joked that she would need some drinks to tell people and says she shouldn’t be drinking when she has cancer. Okay, not only is Larsa the Cancer Police, but she’s now Dr. Cancer, MD, and knows everything Guerdy should be doing. But since she’s drinking, Larsa says, “Do you have cancer, or do you don’t have cancer?”
That is an insane question. No one on a reality television program would dare fake a cancer diagnosis. Oh, wait. Nevermind. But who on a reality television program would fake cancer again? No one! Dr. Nicole also says that Larsa called her and asked if Guerdy was really going through cancer. What, like she’s going around lying about it? That’s insane. Also, the thing Nicole took away from the conversation was not “Larsa’s concerned about you and was asking me questions about cancer so she could be better informed about what you’re going through.” No, what she took away from the conversation is that Larsa wants a second opinion. Sister, she shouldn’t have even been allowed to have a first opinion.
This all comes to a head at Julia’s Fuck Cancer party, and we have to give a shout-out to the graphic designer who turned a sideways pink ribbon (the symbol for breast cancer for those without a middle-aged woman in their life) the C and K from “Fuck” in the logo. Promotions and kudos to them. I’m so sad that Julia didn’t get to sing at the party, but given the graphic, we were getting of a whole murder of crows leaving a tree top when she hit her high note, I know it’s going to be better than the original recording of “Tardy for the Party.”
Anyway, by the time everyone gets to the party, Guerdy has already announced on Instagram about her diagnosis because she wanted to do it herself rather than having the gossip press run with it. As soon as she knew Larsa had her tiny little oven mitts all over the truth, Guerdy had to act fast. Alexia gets to the party and doesn’t even compliment Guerdy on her amazing opera-inspired dress with a cape and a train or her hand bracelet. Yes, it was a silver band clasped around the middle of her hand, and I need one immediately. Horrible for typing, great for parties. But now Guerdy knows Larsa didn’t just tell Lisa; she told everyone.
When Larsa arrives, Guerdy is being short with her, and Larsa says my least favorite of all the lines frequently used in the reality television arts and sciences: “You can snap at me once, you can snap at me twice, but eventually you’re going to wake the sleeping bear.” Okay, so Guerdy expressing her anger at Larsa’s bad behavior is somehow Guerdy’s fault and will get her in trouble? Larsa can’t take any ownership of what she did. She’s expressed very little remorse or sadness for Guerdy from the minute she found out. This fight will be so amazing and deserved because there is no way you can view what Larsa did as right. None. Zero. Again, she’s making this too easy.
It seems like next week we’re going to get to hear all about Lisa, who has been attending the Meghan King Edmonds PI School, possibly planting a bug in Lenny’s car, and we’re surely going to get the end of the Larsa and Guerdy fight, so I want to shift our focus to the friends of for just a second.
I loved that Marysol was at home with her arm in a cast because she got hurt during the celebrity basketball game that I still don’t entirely understand. She has self-diagnosed herself with a broken spine, a broken hip, a broken clavicle, and a brain that is always broken. Sounds accurate. Then Kiki shows up at her house with a walker, saying that she should have been nicer to Adriana last season when she was complaining about her sprained ankle. Kiki is there to bitch about, who else, Larsa Marie Pippen, the scourge of the seven seas. She doesn’t like that Larsa isn’t hanging out with her now because she has a boyfriend. Sounds like typical Larsa.
But it’s odd how much the friends of do on this show. On any other show, we wouldn’t get a scene with two of them without a full-timer along to “own” the scene. Does this mean Marysol is inevitably going to get promoted? I don’t know. If anyone deserves a promotion, it is one Adriana de Moura. Say what you will about her (and I have said plenty), but she is very good at her job. She is officially the first Real Housewife to try ketamine therapy on the show. Not only that, she gave a full performance speaking (in English, of course) to her dead father and dead brother so that she could let go of the pain.
I love any time we get a woman who brings us a new activity, a new perspective, a new anything. Adriana is always innovative, and I must give her credit for knowing how the show works and exploiting it for her own gain. However, when she shows up to the Ketamine Hutt, or wherever it is the kids these days snort their horse tranquilizers, she says that the reasons she is currently sad are because of “losing my father, losing my brother, I got divorced, I became an empty nester, Marysol and Alexia bullying me.” Okay, no one can prevent death, a child growing up, or even a divorce if a partner is determined enough. But the one thing she could take away is how she and the duo of Marysol and Alexia treat each other. They don’t “bully” her so much as react to the things she does. I don’t think you need ketamine to know that if you’re nicer to people, they’ll be nicer back to you. But again, I also don’t need a face full of Special K to know that Larsa shouldn’t be talking about someone else’s cancer. Maybe everyone on this show just needs to trip together, but then, who would we hate?
